You smell like a Billy Joel song
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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