I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
