last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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