If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
