i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
