You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
