I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
