I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
