Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
