im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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