I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
