Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We named our party play list daddy issues
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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