Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
