I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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