Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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