Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
