How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
