the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
