the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
