So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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