I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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