How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
