Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
