my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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