i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Randomize
