Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
