There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
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