he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
