just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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