I met the friendliest cop last night
My balls are so social today.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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