I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
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all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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