U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
