id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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