so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Boobs speak an international language.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
