So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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