Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
