No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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