I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
