so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Randomize
