It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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