you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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