I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
