Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
