It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
