I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
