i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize