Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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