ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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