he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
