Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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