You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
