I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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