What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
