Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
