the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
