last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
