She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
