Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Randomize
