last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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