I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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