Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
