I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
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Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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